I’m not afraid to say this.. “I rang LifeLine”

This is a really vulnerable share, one that I have given a lot of thought too. But change and these conversations need to happen. Families and people like myself, no matter who they are or where they come from, deserve to feel like they’re not alone when facing these heavy, traumatic events and emotions. ..

I had to call lifeline a few weeks ago, it was around 1am and I needed to speak to someone right in that moment. My mind was racing trying to plan everything, figuring out who I could reach out to the next day, putting together a holistic approach for how to support my son who, that night tried to take his own life.

The emotions hit me all at once..anger, sadness, guilt, shame. I immediately went into “fix it” mode, thinking I could fix him that I knew exactly what he needed. But in that moment, he didn’t need the "fix it" mum. He just needed his mum.

But where was she? I was frozen, speechless, I went into autopilot my own trauma response kicking in. I knew this was bigger than anything I could handle, but I fell back on my default that was take action, close off, try to solve it. Instead of just sitting with my son and offering him the comfort he needed, the reassurance that everything would be okay, that I love him, and that I’m right here with him, I distanced myself emotionally.

That night every half hour I went and checked on him making sure that he was still here with us I went back to my room and quietly wept How did we get here? I knew deep down, that we were heading toward this point a long time ago. But every time I expressed my concerns, they were brushed off dismissed, like I was being overdramatic or crazy. So, I ignored my gut instincts and pushed those feelings down. The guilt keeps coming, wave after wave.

The following days were a mix of emotions, no time to sit and process we needed help, and we needed it now. Between a hospital visit, CAYMH appointments, phone calls, endless tears, and my son not wanting to engage, it was overwhelming.

The hardest part has been learning to surrender, to accept that this is his journey, and even though I know what could help him, I need to step back and just be his mum during this time. And for now, that has to be enough. It has to be.

To be continued..

If this post brings up anything for you, please reach out for support. Here are some numbers you can call:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support)

Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (for children and young people, 24/7)

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 (mental health support, 24/7)

Headspace: 1800 650 890 (for young people aged 12-25)

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24/7)

You don’t have to go through this alone. Please reach out.